Every once in awhile I get a very serious urge to write, usually because I've learned something or am over-flowing with some emotion. I've decided, instead of keeping these moments locked up in a journal, I am going to share them with you. Hence, my blog....


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Friday, February 25, 2011

The Patience Trials and My Angels of Illumination



Sometimes I feel like my kindness is an open invitation for abuse. I might as well have a sign plastered to my head that says, "kick me, I swear I'll forgive you."

Patience has always been a virtue I value deeply. It has helped me to reach places inside people otherwise inhumanly possible. For nothing can be more comforting to a threatened soul then receiving loving compassion, in spite of not deserving it. Like a net of safety invisibly cast, patience can bring the receiver a palpable calm and a peaceful sigh of relief. For the giver, the opposite is often true. The energy it takes to hold the weight of a person's past, a person's issues, is immeasurable. Why then attempt something so exhausting?

For those of you that have been blessed with strong inclinations
toward altruism, I am sure you have found that the rewards of being patient with others are awe inspiring. I have watched in amazement, people blossom before my very eyes, the bloom widening and brightening with each kindness and treasured gift of patience shown...a love so pure and forgiving it doesn't feel human to give or receive. The unmistakeable and ever-elusive "non-judgmental presence" is worth it's wait in fairy dust. It has been known to erase tragedies, and heal wounds as thick and deep and treacherous as the Grand Canyon. But what is left of the human that is host to this supernatural pixie? What does a "non-judgmental presence" do to the one so bravely executing it?

The human in me is often left with a ghostly after-birth. It sticks heavily and incessantly, as if the pain soaked feelings shared by another literally passed from their body to mine. They linger with a haunting ease. Negativity is not easily relocated. With raging sorcery it stands firm and says, "I f*#@ing DARE you to get rid of me." Such skills can be learned, but not easily. Even now as I type I feel a presence not my own whispering in my ears. The ghosts of other's haunt me and I am left to dispose of them some how.

Most of the time I can accomplish this daunting feat with ease. Practice since my youth has made me efficient at ghostly, issue-residue removal. But every so often a chain of events collides in such a way that my spirit can not hold all the weight which it has absorbed. The ghosts thereby declare a potential takeover, furiously arresting my thought processes and hurling my brain into chaotic mess of insecurities, fears,
desperations and sadnesses that all started as someone else's. In this pandemonium is where the lines are often blurred, and what was someone else's can become my own.

Perhaps it can be said that the danger in "patience" is losing one's self. A soul not grounded enough, not built on a foundation of bedrock will find that continual patience can snap the framework of an otherwise stable internal domicile. I have found myself in this merciless position quite often. Having given too much I shrink myself down to the tiniest ball, and in a quiet corner I quake, waiting for the storm to pass. Waiting to find the inner strength, the invaluable lesson, that will raise me to my feet once again. And my, do the waiting hours seem long. The tick tock....the lost lock....the wrong dock....waiting for sanity again to knock at my door.

In brilliant flashes of clarity, in the places inside my consciousness still a mystery to me, I find the answer. It is as if in my desperate searching, intensity and unrelenting will, I've run face first into myself. I don't give up, and that makes all the difference. Suddenly the world makes sense again.

I could ask myself, or anyone with the nature to give, WHY put ourselves through this endles cycle? Why make ourselves so vulnerable to the weaknesses of others? Why try and become another's angel? Don't we know that there is no such thing? Don't we know that it takes inhuman virtue to truly save another's soul? Or does it?

I look around at the people in my life and I can feel their presence within me as if I have once been inside them, or them inside me. This strange and beautiful feeling of connection is one that illuminates my world.

It is as if I was born into a room of darkness. Groping blindly, I found myself alone, until I ran my hands
through the fabric of another being. As the connection deepened, as their soul blossomed, a lantern light began to glow within them, and I found myself first able to see. E p i p h a n y. As the years go by, the once solitary light has evolved and my surroundings now resemble a humble, warm glow. I can see myself just before death, laying in the rapture of the radiance I have helped to build around me. A vibrant, wild brightness, so pure, will bathe me as I pass from my body. And it will all have been worth it.

Wednesday, January 5, 2011

Fertile Loins...Questioning Heart

Sitting down annoyed and tired...yet deep down feel satisfied and energized by life. It seems like there are multiple levels of experience. It feels like that at least. Moment to moment I feel the surface waves fluctuate and yet underneath a completely different tide can pull and sway me. This makes me feel more content....just knowing that underneath it all there is a deeper meaning of my own, one my soul makes for me.

Onward and upward toward more modern topics...I am lost for words right now. I haven't done this in quite some time and have lost the feeling of connectedness with the process. Probably because I have been spending too much time on FACEBOOK!! ;) Too true...I spend SO much time there. But for me it's a total gift.....FREE promotion and a world wide "stage" so to speak. Just such an amazing resource that I have still yet to figure out completely. Gettin there though as I learn to share myself more freely. It's more then that. It's learning how to have confidence. It's learning to stay positive and it's learning to always find some good in things, or how I may be able to learn from something.

I often switch from these heavy feelings of being totally burried psychologically by to-do's and did-not's and need-to's, to this glorious feeling of oneness and understanding that everything will be ok. Perhaps this is just my left and right brain hemispheres alternating who's in control. Or perhaps there is more....or perhaps there isn't.

Sometimes I think of how I will answer the questions that my future children will hurl at me. How can I answer things that I know so little about? The world to me is still SO mysterious, and just when I think I REALLY KNOW something, it seems to slip through my fingertips. Not in a scary way really but more of in an inviting way. As if to say...follow us to even more answers....don't stop learning....let the information flow THROUGH you. How would one explain that feeling of helplessness and desperate submission to life's secrets, to a five year old? I have heard lots of solutions to this problem through people I've known, movies I've seen and stories I've read. I have not been satisfied as of yet. I've heard...lie to the children, don't tell them what they are not ready to hear. Yet, how can I be a true teacher, a good teacher, and build hypocrisy into my own system of learning? How do I teach not to lie, by telling lies? This still confuses me. And on the flip side, how can I tell the WHOLE truth...the horrible, awful truth about what is waiting for my future children to take care of in their adulthood? They will find themselves horrified at their loss of innocence. The blinders comedown and a nightmare is revealed. Rape, war, hate...treacherous behavior. Guilt, debt, desperation...a world that is in the red every year...a world that is not sustainable. How do I leave all of this out? Yet...how to ever include? Think think think t h i n k...

Is it fair to just show the good side first....almost like a first impression to the world? The beauty and grace and love and philosophy and hope of the light side of things? I guess game time decisions will be made when these moments come. That is what I learned in my counseling courses when I was still pursuing a masters. In the moment, forget all the rules and the should's and the texts and the advice, and just DO what's in your heart to do. Don't process theory while holding someone's heart in your hands...be present and bring your soul to the front of the class, the very edge of your physical being. Take a good look and listen and feel what to say. This has really worked for me....once I learned how to do it. Although I still often times error, I find it is always better to be present.

Sooooo...how do you stay present for a lifetime? For the lifetime of a child? How to remain stable for so long? It is not possible be perfect but I can do my best. I am learning to do my best right now and striving to be enough for myself, my family, my friends, those I am lucky enough to call "fans" and for my future children. I want to be the best version of myself. I want to be what the world needs. I am learnin as I go along, go along...learnin as I sing my song, sing my sing to you.